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Mon Jun 21 13:21:41 UTC 2010
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Mommy Loves Stilettos
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http://www.mommylovesstilettos.com Protected on 2010-06-21 13:21:41 UTC
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Have you VAJAZZLED lately?? You SHOULD! Pages ?Other Awesome Blogs ?Awards ?PR Friendly ?About Michelle ?Contact Me Home Grab my Button if You Love Stilettos! Followers Mommy Loves Stilettos ?'s Fan Box Mommy Loves Stilettos ♥ on Facebook Search Loading... About Me MommyLovesStilettos I cannot possibly explain myself in 1200 characters. I'm way more complicated than that. View my complete profile Facebook Badge Mommy Loves Stilettos ?Promote Your Page Too By: Twitter Buttons Subscribe Now: iheart The Fab Life Monday, June 21, 2010 ?When My Mind Races... 12:05 AM | Posted by MommyLovesStilettos My mind races when I see his emails. I can feel my blood pressure rising and my heart beating faster. At first I get so angry. Who does he think he is? Emailing me like everything is normal and saying "When can I see my daughter?" I can't get a grasp on how he thinks this is normal. How does a parent not see their child for six whole months because their addiction is more important? And how can he just shoot me an email like that thinking I'll fall for it? Being a parent is a job you do 24/7. There is no gray area. You are a mom/dad ALL of the time or not at all in my book. Being a good parent means putting your children first and making sure they are taken care of all of the time. Not just when it's convenient. I respond to his email with anger, hatred, and pure disbelief. I actually had a child with this man? How can two parents be so different? How can I love her so intensely and he just doesn't seem to care unless it's for show? There are so many questions that race through my mind and make me feel this horrible anxiety. Am I making the right decision? Am I doing every possible thing I can to give my daughter what she needs? I can't believe I even doubt myself. Deep down I know I'm a great mom. I know that I put 150% into motherhood all day long. But something about him always makes me doubt myself. It's been over six years since I left him, and he still makes me doubt myself and think that I'm not enough. When I think about how strong I am normally, it pains me to see how weak I become after a simple conversation with him. I used to be so scared of him and what he might do. Now I'm not scared of him, but he still makes me doubt my choices as a mom. He tells me Katelyn will resent me when she's older because I kept her from her dad. For a split second I wonder if he's right. Then I remember, NO....this man is an addict. He is physically abusive to not only his girlfriend, but anyone who gets in his way. He has a drug problem. A problem with alcohol and has had multiple DWI's. He behaves wrecklessly even when our daughter is in his presence. He is 27 years old and has never had a job for more than a couple of months. He lives in a different place every other week. I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING. I try so hard to make my heart believe my brain. My brain knows that I am giving my daughter the best life I possibly can. My heart tells me that this won't be easy. There have already been questions from her. She wants to understand how a daddy can act the way hers does. She wants to understand why normal people can have a beer or two and be fine and others (like her dad) become raging lunatics. How do you explain this to a child? It's so hard. I see her with Danny and my heart melts. It makes me so happy that he comes home from work and takes her right downstairs to play wii and hang out. He calls on his way home to see what flavor slurpee Kate would like for a special treat. He is the disciplinarian sometimes....and one that she respects. He helps me when I'm overwhelmed with whiney children. He does every single thing a dad should do. I feel incredibly blessed. But I want to know, will it be enough? I drive myself crazy wondering if this will ever be enough. Danny goes above and beyond and I love him so much for that. But how do I know that everything he is doing will keep my daughter from having a broken heart over her biological dad when she is older? I don't know. And I won't know until the time comes. And not having control over that drives me crazy all the time. I just want her to be happy and know she is loved. I want her to know that even though her biological dad isn't a good person, it doesn't matter. She is loved by so many people. She is blessed with so much family, Danny, and his family, and so many of my friends. I just worry that I'll never be able to compensate for what she isn't getting from her biological dad. What every child deserves. I hope we can (Danny and I) but the unknown gives me severe anxiety. I don't want pity, I just had to put this out there. It's my biggest fear. I don't allow myself to let it be known that certain things make me incredibly vulnerable, but this is one of them. And I'm really scared. Labels: absent dads, abuse survivors, addiction, Brian, Danny, Katelyn | 3 comments Links to this post Sunday, June 20, 2010 ?Father's Day 2010. 3:00 AM | Posted by MommyLovesStilettos “Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” – unknown With today being Father’s Day, it makes me really emotional.I’ve had my own issues with my biological dad and while I’m coming to terms with everything and we’re trying to have a better relationship – I still have a ton of resentment regarding everything he missed while he was too busy being a douchecanoe. Then I look at Katelyn and I realize it’s the same cycle with her dad. He’s too busy partying it up to be a dad and I know that one day she’ll have these same feelings of resentment towards him. That breaks my heart, because I want so much more for her. Luckily, Katelyn has Danny just as I had my stepdad Bob. The situations are freakishly similar. My stepdad was more of a dad to me than my real dad ever attempted to be. And Danny is the same for Katelyn. He does everything a dad should do for their child and then some. I think he definitely makes up where her dad lacks. I realize, he’ll never replace her dad – but I hope that him being there for her will at least lessen the blow. I know that if I didn’t have my stepdad, it would have been so much harder growing up. I feel very lucky to have had a father figure when my dad wasn’t interested in being one. Today I will celebrate the fact that I have a wonderful stepdad, a better relationship with my biological dad, and now Katelyn has Danny. I know that today won’t be easy for her, and I’m sure she’ll be asking about her biological dad. But I’ll cross that bridge when we come to it and figure it out like I always do. She is very thankful to have Danny, she tells me that often. And I think it’s wonderful that at almost seven years old she can recognize the fact that he loves her dearly. Happy Father’s day to all the men out there that are amazing fathers. I hope you all enjoy your day! Labels: Dad's, Danny, Father's Day, Katelyn, sperm donors | 5 comments Links to this post Friday, June 18, 2010 ?Fridays are my fave! 5:00 AM | Posted by MommyLovesStilettos First things first...if you are here from Friday Follow - Welcome to my little piece of the blogosphere. I am Michelle and I don't know what to call my style of writing because I am a big ball of surprises. Some days, I talk about things from my past that still haunt me today. Others I talk of my kiddos and how they are so awesome or some days they are annoying the shit out of me :) Then there are the times when things get colorful around here and I discuss things like vajazzling. See what I mean? I'm random :) I hope you will stick around and link me to your blog so I can come check yours out too :) In other news, it's FRIDAY! I am SO happy that it is Friday. Danny works today and tomorrow so it's just Kate and I. Cole is with his dad until Saturday. His dad gets two weeks in the summer and now we're at the end of it and I cannot wait to see my little man!! I sure have missed him. Tomorrow morning Kate and I will drive out to my dad's house (about an hour and 15 minutes west of St. Louis) and we'll pick Cole up on the way. We're spending the day with my dad to celebrate Father's Day since I won't see him on Sunday. We're going to the river to swim and BBQ :) And of course, Katelyn will be fishing cause she's obsessed. We'll come back early evening and hang out with Danny for awhile. Then on Sunday we're doing whatever it is Danny wants to do since it's Father's Day. While he's not technically a father, he is in our eyes and we're treating him just like we would if he were their biological dad. He wants to take the kids swimming, so that's the plan :) It should be a nice relaxing weekend filled with fun with the fam, fishing, lots of pictures, and a few Bud Lights :) Hope you all have a FAB weekend! :) Labels: Cole, dad, Danny, Father's day, fishing, Friday Follow, Katelyn, swimming | 14 comments Links to this post Thursday, June 17, 2010 ?SocialSpark 2:19 PM | Posted by MommyLovesStilettos This is a Sponsored Post written by me on behalf of IZEA. All opinions are 100% mine. SocialSpark Outside of my blog, twitter, and facebook I don't really know anything else about other social networking avenues. Recently I signed up for SocialSpark and it was super easy. I've already got two whole friends, so that's pretty cool. Ha! SocialSpark allows you to sign up for different sponsored blog posts. There are tons and tons of opportunities and for someone like me, that is new to this type of thing - it's perfect. Signing up took me no time at all. The only thing that I had an issue with was adding an avatar because my picture was too big. When I have more time I'll downsize my picture and upload it. I just signed up yesterday and today I got an email about some opportunities I could jump in on. They were SIMPLE and took me five minutes. If you are looking for a way to make a little extra cash for your Etsy shopping (that's what I'm doing. haha) this is perfect for you. I doubt this will provide an income for you, but it will give you a few extra dollars here and there to put towards Etsy purchases or some sexy new stilettos :) No pressure from me, just wanted to let all my blog friends know about this. I would love to tell you where I heard about it, but I'll be honest and tell you I'm just not sure. Now come sign up and make some shopping money with me :) Are any of you using this?? If so, what do you think? Code of Ethics Sign up for SocialSpark Labels: SocialSpark | 2 comments Links to this post ?Something I was Ashamed of For A Long Time... 5:00 AM | Posted by MommyLovesStilettos I'm linking up with Kat today. I just love this, because she always has interesting topics and it makes me think/reflect/etc. Here are the prompts (the one I chose is bold): 1.) The popular girls. 2.) It happened at work.3.) "How long until you realized you had no talent or patience for this? Tell the story (true or fiction) of trying to learn a new talent or hobby that you only pursued briefly." 4.) "Who first told you that it's not nice to stare? Write about a time you stared when you maybe shouldn't have, or a time when sometime stared at you." 5.) Describe a happy reunion. Read more » Labels: Katelyn, Massage School, Missouri College, Writer's Workshop | 22 comments Links to this post Older Posts Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) ?My Friends Are Better Than Yours. Blog Archive ? 2010 (164) ? June (24) ?When My Mind Races... ?Father's Day 2010. ?Fridays are my fave! ?SocialSpark ?Something I was Ashamed of For A Long Time... ?Pour Your Heart Out - About Father's Day. ?The Happiness Project: Sparkly Stiletto Edition -... ?I'm a lazy ass today! ?Getting To Know You :) ?Ask Katelyn! ?TGIF, Guest Posting, Douchecanoes..... ?Let's Talk About This Evil Disease. ?Before I Was a Mom... ?Pour Your Heart Out - Sister Edition :) ?Wednesday Wickedness - Frank Sinatra. ?Yeah it Might Make You Blush. ?The Happiness Project & Follow Me Back Tuesday ? Wow That's a Low Price! ?The Giveaway You've All Been Waiting For - CLOSED... ?Getting To Know You Sunday :) ?Charter Communications Trashed My House. Doucheca... ?Friday Follow: Building Friendships One Blog at ... ?You Are Still Older Than Me :) ?Pour Your Heart Out: Words of Wisdom. ? May (42) ?Yep, No Shame Here! ?Happy Sunday Bitches! ?It's a Vajazzle video bitches! :) ?No Longer A Guest Posting Virgin! ?Bitching - One of my Best Strengths :) ?Time Out. ?WIMTS - Douchecanoe edition! ?Random Dozen. ?A New Winner! ?The Happiness Project & Follow Me Back Tuesday ?Monday Minute ?Getting To Know You :) ?I love a challenge ;) ?Fawk You Friday & a Winner :) ?Mission Monkey!!!! ?That was Deep. ?Pour Your Heart Out - Abusers Never Change. ?Bling Bling. ?Follow Me Back Tuesday! ?Snippity Snip. ?What the F%&! is wrong with people???? ?Monkey Minute! ?A Little House Tour :) ?Fawk You Friday. &hearts:TGIF! :) ?Pour Your Heart Out - The One Where I Admit Defea... ? April (39) ? March (30) ? February (15) ? January (14) ? 2009 (104) ? December (26) ? November (29) ? October (25) ? September (13) ? August (5) ? 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