Something about Winter and being housebound in the cold brings out a terrible restlessness in me. All the things I have wanted to do come to the forefront and demand my attention. It really is far to early for such things as most years this waits until March. The cold weather remains with us though next week, thankfully, promises some relief and a change to open the door without losing ones breath.
Many thoughts are spinning in my head today, most of them impossible dreams, but I find myself browsing the pages of school admissions for the most unlikely of goals, far too lofty and time-consuming to be realistic. The years of commitment it would take would be far beyond what I could take from those to depend on me. So many depend on me here and there are days I grow weary of it. Most days I realize how much I love them and how much I would give to protect and care for them. Still there is always that little voice in the back of my head, the one reminding me of things I could have done.
When I was a little girl I was not raised to achieve lofty goals, I was raised to get married. That was often the case though I wish I had been raised to value myself more. The goals fell to my brother who never quite measured up to the expectations. Neither of us were taught to pursue our joy or bliss or to find what was out there for usIt was just the way things were and my parents did the best they could with what they were given. Now I see what opportunities are out there and though in my college days I would have battled against a double standard, I could have done much more. That double standard was strong even when I was in school and somehow as I find myself browsing the admissions requirements for my particular passion, I remember the guy in a class whose goal it was to be a doctor. I can see his face to this day and his sneer as he made it clear I did not have what it takes. I wonder what became of him, if he made the cut and if so if anything humbled him along the way. I hope so. At that time I had no such aspirations to become a doctor, but I realize now I could have.
Forgive my silly ramblings on a cold winter day as I think of all the things that could have been. It is time to pop back to life and remember with appreciation all the things I have around me. Life has many roads.
