The phone rang just before ten am. A nurse that I have never met asked if I was a part of GM’s family. “Yes” I replied and felt my heart drop and heard the click of the receiver as Mother picked up the other line.
“I’m sorry to have to call you like this…”
Heart in my mouth.
“But your Grandmother is not doing well. She is, what we call, declining. You need to come down here right away.”
I found my voice to ask more detailed questions: Is she eating? (no) Is she getting up? (no. She is unresponsive.) Is she taking her medication? (no)
Mother and I explained that we would be there right away. We both hung up the phone and then darted off to get dressed.
The drive to the nursing home was filled with tears and anxiety and fear and dread and both of us NOT saying what our most giant fear was out loud.
I whimpered and pleaded with the Universe. Not now. Not this week. Not next week. More time. I want more time. I DEMAND MORE TIME.
We arrived in GM’s room and found her sort of dazing at nothing, but at least she was awake. She did not know us, recognize us, claim us for the longest time. Hours. She didn’t speak for the longest time and when she finally did it was to tell us that she was hot. VERY hot. She didn’t have a fever, but Mother and I pulled back her covers and got a nurse to give us an ice bucket and wash-clothes to cool her down.
I can’t even write more as I am just beside myself with sadness. She did manage to come around a bit. She kept gazing at Mother and telling her how pretty she is, but then she would go away. There was one moment where she looked at me and really saw me, she even sort of pointed at my gut and asked if I was ready. I couldn’t help it but sob at her knowing me, knowing what I was going through. And as I cried I scared her and she began to cry and then she was lost again. And I still beat myself up over the fact that I burst the bubble.
The nurses said that we were able to really help bounce her back a bit- that she wasn’t even speaking or reacting yesterday. (which begs the question- why no call yesterday?)
I will say this out loud- I can not handle the thought of her leaving me now. I just can’t.
